Square Peg, Round Hole
As I have started this blog, I have realized that some of my self-regulation techniques may need some work. In the moment, I can get myself back on track by being aware of my surroundings, most of what comes out of my mouth, and I can pick up on the vibe in the room.
All of these things indicate to me that I should shut my mouth and re-center. In my line of work, we call this a re-direct. But I’m using it on myself to get back in line and lead the meeting.
But as I am struggling with what brilliant idea I should write about today, I’m finding that I draw a blank; my brain, with all of these great ideas, thoughts, and post titles, is suddenly empty, void of all words. How does this happen? I try all of the things; I set aside a designated time, I make the space comfortable, I make sure I have quiet and a beverage.
But for some reason, all I can come up with is blah, blah, blah. Oh, wait, I know, I have ADHD! Sometimes I forget that. I don’t take meds, and I don’t go to therapy.
But I do have a diagnosis. I am one of those people who thought I wasn’t going to live by a label as I grew up, and for that reason, I wouldn’t let anyone treat me. I went off medication at the age of 13.
I have tried various forms of therapy, and I even had 1 therapist tell me very seriously that she couldn’t help me because I actually did have the answers and skills to help myself, and that in good faith, she couldn’t take my money. In her words, “you already know what you need to do”. I took her advice and went about treating myself for the problems I was having.
Eventually, I tried to get therapy again because I changed jobs, and the thing to do is to get therapy because “we all need it in our line of work.” But when that therapist listened to why I thought I needed therapy (incidentally, I went to the same therapist who told me I didn’t need her, thinking that now that I had a new problem, maybe she could help me), her only comment was “tell me about your drug use”. Nothing in what I had just revealed to her would indicate the need for her to ask me that question. I immediately quit therapy again and decided that I would research myself and try to figure out what I could do to be less me and try to fit in with what people around me were calling normal.
Trying to fix myself to fit into another’s narrative was like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Wasn’t going to happen. So I decided that rather than change myself to fit in with others, I would change my expectations of others.
What does that mean? I started to pick up on when I was being “weird,” and looked at my environment, listened to my inner voice, and, honestly, started being authentic to myself. I stopped worrying about whether or not so-and-so thought I was odd and embraced it. Yes, I am a bit odd, I’m eclectic, and I don’t march to the beat of their drum but to the beat of my own.
I started paying closer attention to how my behavior or choices made me feel, and if I was ok with them, then so be it; others would either adapt or they wouldn’t, and either was ok with me. I started to feel less “weird” and more relaxed. I also started making sure my boundaries were firm, and I policed myself when it felt like I was getting close to crossing them. It’s still a work in progress, and it likely always will be. But the point is that I will not give up, I will continue to grow in what I consider my true self. I will make choices that fit my expectations, and those that are meant to be in my circle will fit in without having to try.
If you can relate, please share!